Via Dil
I used to jump from one relationship to another, sometimes even before I am out of the drunk-calling-the-ex-cause-you’re-not-over-them phase. I’ve been single for 2 years now and it makes me feel lonely many times. I miss the feeling of belonging that comes with a relationship, the excitement, the love….the cuddling!
 
I think I still cannot commit to anyone because a part of me still hasn’t gotten over the shock of my last break up. I hadn’t seen it coming. We had come back from visiting his sister a month ago. It was going well, at least I thought so. It broke me as nothing has in life. I got into the worst depressive phase. I remember sitting on the railway station stairs waiting for the train that my sister had booked a seat for me in. I was 5 hours early because I didn’t know what to do with my time. I wasn’t sure I could survive that night. Not because of suicidal thoughts but I’d die of sadness. I’m a logical girl, but it hurt that much.
 
This isn’t supposed to be a sad story. I just want to emphasize how much that connection meant to me and how much I miss it.
And one of the best anecdotes I can give you of that time is.. actually, can I give you two?
First:
Once, we were at his best friend’s party. Everyone was drunk. The party was to last the whole night. It was at 2 am that my partner and I got hungry. The kitchen of the bar had closed. So we left the party for a while, using the excuse that we want to have sex! But we were actually going to our favorite sandwich place. It was called the cheese truck and we stuffed our face with big-ass, yummy sandwiches.

I’m sorry, you’re kind and all but they just can’t be recreated (especially when I don’t even know the recipe)

 
Second:
On sad, bad or just random days, he would us bring ice cream. Chocolate for him, vanilla for me. Like anyone else, he couldn’t understand how vanilla was my favorite but he got me 2-3 cups every time. Once when we were done with our ice creams, we went to bed, he was holding me and he said “ We just had ice cream and we’re sleeping next to the people we love, we’re exponentially happier than most people out there.”

My experience cooking, eating and feeding Sandwiches and Ice Cream

  1. I made cheese onion capsicum grilled sandwiches. This was inspired by my favorite sandwiches from Pune. After therapy, I walk over to FC road, eat these sandwiches, walk and go to an old book store and read Shayari there, while making notes of my insights from therapy.
  2. Mumma makes the best green chutney in the world.
  3. I got so excited when I found a 10 minutes, 3 ingredient recipe, that I went overboard with the ice cream. I put the ice cream in 7 different bowls and put different flavors in each.
    Cocoa + choco chips
    Vanilla
    Pineapple
    Cranberries
    Kokum
    Cardamom
    Cinnamon
    And then because I had more flavors than ice cream coffee was added to chocolate and cherries were added to cinnamon. AND I don’t EVEN LIKE ICE CREAM!

—
The only memory I have related to ice cream is riding on a Kinetic moped with Mumma and R. I was 7, R 3. We would go to a shop to buy Amul’s raspberry covered vanilla popsicle and eat it. Mumma would finish hers first and we would ride back, raspberry dripping down R’s elbow. I would be rationing my raspberry so I could eat it with the last bite.
This was all PA (pre asylum). I don’t think I noticed ice cream much in my life after she went, even after she came back. It is in 2019 I re-realised that she loves ice cream. R and I would get her one box from Naturals every time we passed the shop. She licks the box when the ice cream in it is over.

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