2017 is to be different. In a good way. Because I have decided to make it so with the sheer might of my will. 2017 will be different 1 broken thing mended at a time. It will be different not a project a month, but much more patiently than that because I realize Life so short, the art so long to learn. In January, I was to get over my need for perfection. To be able to start, just start, without bending over backward and trying to get a peek of the result first. Mend the innocent ‘let’s just try’ attitude of a child that withered over adulthood. I was to write, without the expectation of writing well, whatever that is. To write for the love of it. But I didn’t write as much as I thought I would. I didn’t get over the fear as much as I thought I should
I don’t set realistic goals for myself. That is what Feb 2017 will mend. But first Nerd talk: heard about conditioning? It is one of the best things psychology gave us. Punishment is a type of conditioning that is designed to weaken or eliminate an undesired response. It is an aversive event that decreases the behavior that it follows. Parents and teachers use it as the free snack we cannot stop eating because it’s just sitting in front of us. They forget, we forget, that punishment does not necessarily guide one toward desired behavior. That punished behavior is not forgotten, it’s suppressed. More importantly, punishment Creates fear. So I went ahead, felt guilty, punished myself (because I deserve it?) for failing(!) at the January project. Fail, did I though?
But mending now- in February, I will continue with my January project because it is important. In February, I will teach myself to not punish myself. I will not beat myself up. I will allow myself to be. Every day I will write because I like to. But when I don’t, there will be no punishment. I will, on those days find a nice poem to read. And I will try to find out why the poet wrote it. Because I like to know about motivations. And stories. Then I will find someone to talk to about this.