I remember 4 years ago, a boy tried to teach me to drive. I was sick then. I did not think myself smart enough to eat in the dark without stuffing things in my nose. But more importantly, I refused to try. He made me sit on his lap and tried to teach me to drive. It was humiliating. Worse than not knowing to drive perhaps. And people laughed, to make sure I knew it was. And there was a video to keep the memory fresh.
One day, much later, I drove a meter in front of these people, without making a scene. They assumed I had taken a class. I would too. Then there was today, had trouble starting the car. Starting is always the toughest, I know by now. So I kept at it, 2 times, 3 times, 5. One try short of losing my spirit, Raju kaka decided to tell me the trick.
He said “you are so worried about leaving the clutch just right and pressing the accelerator just enough that you can’t do either. The key to driving is not worrying about it.” I tried. 6. 7.
“I can’t”
“Next time you make a statement like that tell me why you won’t be able to, not just that you can’t”
So this is what I did instead, I tried to sing Matargasti. I could not remember the lyrics, that is how tensed I was. I sang Matargashti Khuli Sadak Mein… and the car started, without a hiccup to go forward. I moved into second gear… छतरी ना थी बगल में.. and third… आया ही ना अकल में. And I sang… गीला हुआ है वो सुखाना हो हो हो…
He told me why people learn faster in driving classes. The instructor makes the start smoother than a learner can do the first time he drives. This builds confidence, and a person can do anything if she is confident that she can. On our way back, we talked about demonetization and how it affected some regions more than others. We talked about his daughter and how he tries to make learning fun for her. Of how important it is that people not get put off by learning. Today was a day of great insights and not just about driving vehicles. I will learn to drive at 60, to stitch, and knit. Because today I learned a trait of a good teacher and a good student. I know that half of learning is done by knowing that you can. That the rest of it is made easier by people who believe in you.
But sleepless nights pickle good days. Tonight is being made easier by a green squeaky toy that Goldie played with when he was the size of a big rat and that he still roams around with when he is a small horse. The toy is lying on the floor in front of the basin, in the middle of nowhere, giving me company in the lone night on the way to my bedroom, where, at the start of the sleepless night, in the middle of a life, I pack my books from childhood. Black horse, Pinocchio, Robinhood, The Lion King. The ones that taught me imagination, morals, and heroism. The ones that probably also helped with “your English is so bad, don’t talk to me.” The ones that the mother wants to save for my children. I pack them to give to Raju kaka, for his daughter, when he teaches me to make a U-turn without being scared, tomorrow.