Dear P,
I have some things that I want the world to do, but tonight I just want to talk to you. I heard your voice after so long today. I have been extra insecure about being loved lately, you may have noticed. The world has been helping immensely with this. Your letters have been helping immensely. They also make me wonder if humans have it all wrong, maybe our hearts are all liquid. There are many moments in the day that make me think this.
If I had it my way you would be here to witness life as it happens. Today we made mannequin videos of the whole fam. We sit in a pile, there is so much physical closeness, hugging, hitting, biting, I am in heaven. R kaka cooked. He was very proud of the khichadi he made. I drank his Chivas. He smoked next to me. It was the perfect moment for an intimate conversation. But the world is made of awkward humans, so there was none. Did you know you have made me better at being friends with introverts? I didn’t assume he was uncomfortable or that he did not love me. The silences feel happier now.
When I went to the kitchen to help him, I cut a tomato and stood next to him. While looking for spoons, I touched a toy, and it squeaked. Why do they make baby toys noisy? It was a yellow fish. A house is more home, and home is so much happier when it has toys scattered on the kitchen counter, in the bathroom, and under the dining table. R saw my eyes water. She hugged me, while I was already hugging the fishy, and it squeaked, in the silent sweaty kitchen. We laughed. It was a very American sitcom moment. When we parted, it squeaked a parting note. It really did.
Baby R has the whole world spinning around her baby little finger. She demands food from everyone’s plate. Sleeps while holding hands with a blue hippo. She even has her own tiny blue blanket. Everyone in the house sings to put her to sleep and dances to make her eat. We discuss her poop. I have kept the yellow fish in my bag, I am bringing it home with me. I plan on waking you in the morning with its squeaks. I hope our boy is amused by it too. Some part of me is constantly having conversations with you. I hope you are having your medicines.