or ‘Things people are not telling you about kids, so you make more’ an essay

Babyr

  • yelled at a neighbor for not inviting her to his wedding, in the middle of his mehendi ceremony. From our balcony into their frontyard. Yelled. She got herself invited, prettied up and went and got her knee scraped, yelled at some children. And now we can never see the neighbors.
  • called someone who irked her Kutti at the top of her voice. In the park.
  • will ask you to make an elaborate dish, add sugar to it. Not eat it.
  • broke my bottle of green nail polish over my sofa.
  • often has to pee so bad that she crosses her legs and freezes. So someone has to pick her and carry her to the washroom.
  • peed on R’s foot.
  • pissed off a dog and hide behind me.
  • will want to do everything you do. bake. put lipstick on. wear heels.
  • they repeat what you say “what you doing man!?” to dadi
  • ask you “is that daaru in your glass?” “is that a cigment I smell on you papa?” in front of the whole fam.
  • poops and doesn’t know how to wash her own ass. So sometimes you have to do it.
  • will tell you about the poop.
  • you will have to discuss their poop / hear her parents talk about poop
    “Her poop seems hard”
    “Is it also dark? I fed her beetroot”
    “No now it’s too liquid-y”
    while you eat. Always while you eat.
  • is asleep when I go for walks, so I have to go again when she is done waking up, washing her face, pooping, eating grapes, drinking milk.
  • will make you act like a sick person while she prods and pokes you with plastic doctor tools. You will need multiple injections. You will sometimes die.
  • will make you call them teacher / mumma / didi / madam
  • Filled my lamp, medicine box, coffee mug, curtain holder, cat pillow, a ceramic bell, recipe book of cocktails, napkin, salt and pepper shakers, 3 spoons, 1 fork in a laundry box and dragged it to picnic ON MY BED. Fell asleep and left without clearing up.

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