I hated birthdays. I hated birthdays to the wrong end of hatred where hormonal cycles rearrange themselves so periods can fall on birthdays. This alteration of the hormonal cycle is only reserved for exams apart from birthdays. What made it tougher was that my parents celebrated my birthday on any day close to the 13th that was convenient for them and it always gloomily rained. This year, as a perk of being an adult, I got to decide if we want to pre-pone the birthday from the 13th to the 10th or postpone it to the 17th. But secretly, R & I are celebrating my birthday as was destined: on the 13th. Needless to say, I am PMSing right now. I have cried at Dwight helping Pam with her self-esteem, have slept all day & have decided to write this post.
Not enough gets said about how stressful birthdays can be. I thought I was the only one, singled out by misfortune, who felt this but the more people I speak to, the more of them I figure have/have had anxieties related to birthdays. Is it the burden of expectation, the pomp, or the lack thereof, does the event make some feel lonely or does it make one evaluate life based on the wrong indicators, I find it hard to say. What I know though is that it helped to know that men & women older than me, my role models, little girls, and my friends face this too. The more I understand this, the better I get at managing my expectations & my issues related to birthdays. The agency shifts within. Since my 21st birthday, every year I buy myself a gift I would not ordinarily get. For the last 2 birthdays, I make a list of gifts I would prefer. Making lists is exciting. This year, on my list, was a denim jacket, comfy pajamas, dark Smashbox lipstick, and a hand puppet. This birthday I bought myself a laptop. For the day after tomorrow when I turn 26, I have saved the gift S sent me, like every year, five days in advance. On that day, it will rain and I will drink gin cocktails made by mummy while I read a book that has kept me company over the last month, or I will watch a whole season of The Office, laugh and cry; with a jacket or without.
