I was recently let down by an ally. I didn’t want to be dramatic about it but it shook my abandonment issues and trauma like a pebble that brings up mud in a still pond. It puts me in the aforementioned “the only thing you can control is your expectation of them” mind frame. The problem with being let down by someone from the inner circle is that it makes my mind extends this frame to include the whole world.
I spent what, to me, seems like a fair amount of time under my blanket, with my books. I got out and allowed myself company only after a scab had formed on my wounded abandonment issue. Fucking scary, yet warm and kind company.
A person discussed books with me and made us a book club of two. It’s my favorite club. I met 6 puppies. But more importantly, I met a girl who put a pot of water where they live, taking care of the wounded one, who also puts medicinal powder on another dog with a skin condition. I had a person give me his family curry recipe. Someone stayed with me through many sleepless nights, giving me reassuring company in my OC behavior.
A colleague called to assure me that you can never take “too much time for yourself” away from work. He, a neurotypical, told me recovery is complicated, it’s a winding path, not a straight road. That I should take all the time I need and more. He told me I am doing well for myself, that I sound like I have grown into another person.
I think I have. It is only today that I realized what a privilege it is to not come tumbling after a jack falls. To be able to maintain my worldview, and trust the good in people still. Like I have heard a doctor say “the bone is hurt but the muscles around are strong enough that it saved you” I have grown, indeed, I told him. I was the plastic bag from American Beauty, blowing in the wind. Now I feel like a kite, tethered to a bridle.
