It’s testing, this stepping on each other toes in a small space as a family. Everything intersects. My room is my room but the whole house that it sits in is mumma’s, my will is mine but patriarchy gives my father a right over it; some A is also B. Dadi continuously talks about food, mummy wants to clean my room, doesn’t like where I keep my yoga mat, papa wants full attention + TLC while eating in addition to our individual political beliefs clashing when we talk about the virus, which is often. This was all bearable when I could take a break, and go away, but now it feels like it will close down on me if I don’t push back, which is tricky because they have toes too.
Here’s how I am coping:
- I am wary of the visual medium and choose what I watch cautiously. After I went through a depressive phase from Bojack and a breakdown over Jo Jo Rabbit, I haven’t watched anything even remotely emotion-provoking. I did though watch Love is Blind and Too Hot To Handle. The Anthropologist in me is mind blown wow! And now I spend a lot of time speaking at R in their lingo which basically means saying a lot of “like”, “emotional connection”, “boo/bae”, “spiritual experience”
- Having gotten intimidated by the pups on Instagram, I am trying to teach Goldie tricks. He has proved unteachable till now. He doesn’t “smile”, “get me my phone” or “bark at mumma” but always barks if ANYONE hugs. So I have started spraying water in his face, bear-hugging him, or stealing his ball instead. His only strategy to beat me is complaining to papa. I was so surprised to find papa scolding “He is little! Stop troubling him!”
- I’ve been talking with dadi like a co-dadi, referring to my parents and other relatives by their first name, telling them to work faster, and discussing how it was all better in the old times.
- When mummy moves my stuff around, I hide a piece of her clothing.
- Once when mumma and I were arguing (fighting) about where my yoga matt should be kept, dadi walked into the room to witness this: Ma and I are holding an end of the rolled matt each and going in a circle like a dog trying to catch his tail. The embarrassment of a 50 and a 27-year-old trying to snatch a matt from each other was so complete, that we started laughing in our till-can’t-breath way.
- I was taught in anthropology about ‘teasing relationships’ and how they exist between two awkward parties in scenarios such as a wedding between 2 families. I noticed while writing this that I’ve been teasing papa a lot, without really meaning to.
Papa: “You think I am a fool?”
P: “Yes”
Everyone: !!!
P: “What? Would you rather I lie to my father in broad daylight? And on a Thursday!”
Harmless in content, but it is helping in breakdown of the power structures, I know because he now teases me back, often teaming with R. “Whoever wants to discuss tonight’s menu may, I am too scared of P to talk about food”
It might not sound like a big deal, but it would if you knew how much I have spent, time and money, in therapy crying about not having a relationship with him. Our phone calls would never last beyond “how’s the weather?” - Every time my parents fight, I get a step closer to making and sending out their individual biodatas to the world. To those you might not know, a biodata is a traditional Tinder profile made on Microsoft doc or ppt. Pictures are picked, hobbies and preferences have been discussed and written, and close family knows and I am one big fight away from sharing the profiles on a big family group and looking for new (step) parents.
- Mummy is a bit obsessively attached to her napkins and may arm wrestle you if her system is bothered. And it often is because the system is ‘don’t take them’. So I have individually named each napkin and asked for “Subhash” or “Vijay” when I need to dry my hands.
- R and I have been taking up stereotypical South Delhi Punjabi aunty/uncle personas from Ayushman Khurana movies while doing mundane tasks like bathing Goldie, baking a cake, or walking down the stairs. We talk about our children, how their schools are the best, but the math teacher is biased and how Pammi is the smartest and makes salon recommendations and discusses how eating ghee will cure Corona Vorona.
- R and I make car siren sounds unprovoked, during unremarkable moments. There is no cause, no effect to this. tooooo toooo tunu nu nu nu nu nu nu teeenii niii nii till we must.