The last couple of days has been tough. I found myself anxious, saddened, unable to leave my room, and unwilling regularly. I listened to ‘Land Locked Blues’ on loop more often than I intended to. Whatever splurge of energy I felt from time to time, I spent on cleaning, organizing, and making to-do lists. But the to-do list from weeks ago lies incomplete on the bulletin board. The gym called, they missed me, the guy at the desk said. I guess that is my return on being adequately sociable when outdoors and complimenting people on their careless stubble.
I met my therapist. She insists I be kind to myself and give my mind time to “repair before heal”. D made his usual analogies with physical illness and made a point about how I would have allowed myself time for those. I stayed at M’s and that as usual worked as a sanatorium. I read, re-read and read again strong people writing about things that require strength.
“Sustained grief is particularly disturbing in a culture that offers a quick fix for pain. Sometimes it amazes me to know intuitively that the grieving is all around us yet we do not see any overt signs of their anguished spirits. We are taught to feel shame about grief that lingers. Like a stain on our clothes, it marks us as flawed, and imperfect. To cling to grief, to desire its expression, is to be out of sync with modern life, where the hips do not get bogged down in mourning.”
Overall, I realized how much I rely on the kindness of people for strength and well-being; and when a person called me after a breakup, how much in return the world counts on me for kindness. I realized how unrealistic and stretching towards being ideal my to-do lists can be. So I made a new one. Now I divided my time into 3/4th parts “id” and the 4th for the “super-ego” that will make money and bits of acceptable progress (maybe). Rewardingly, on a particularly hard day when I failed, again, at writing even a single word on my work portfolio, I was able to make what I like to call kindness cards. Starting today I am hoping to be able to pick up more of the sprawled pieces of tiny projects I started. And go back to the gym.