Mumma yells at me for baking and then finishes all my cinnamon rolls leaving none for my coffee accomplishment, she also tells me to marry any male, dead or alive, she finds me talking to. So now I tell her that I know about her crush on our milkman (who she quibbles with all the time) and am willing to keep it a secret only if she is nice to me. “P, can you wash the milk pot better? it’s embarrassing to carry (to the door to the milkman!)”
“Mumma, koi pyaar kare toh tumse kare, tum jaise ho waise kare, koi tumhe badal kar pyaar kare, toh woh pyaar nahi, sauda kar rha hai. I am sure he likes you ganda bartan and all.
“Broom your room, wash this, cut that, mop, make dessert, play music, why aren’t you making any money?” “Mumma you think there will be less work at dudhwala papa’s house? I am wondering if I should come with you when you run away with him or if I should stay back with current papa”
All of this is much funnier if you know that one time, 2 years ago, out of niceness and innocence she told an uncle who is Goldie’s friend to visit our home whenever he is free, anyway “main akeli hi hoti hu” which papa and I still cannot stop laughing at/bringing up.
My wifi is shoddy. To get it fixed, I have to call a guy called Ashish at least thrice every week, during a week. But this week, I have had to call him EVERY day. I am vexed. But I have a theory, because Bollywood is science, that this irritation will eventually turn into love and then Ashish and P forever. I give him a new compliment every time I call him. “you know, now my phone has put your contact to Favourites, right next to my parents, this has to mean something” We refer to him as Jaanu privately.
I take everything literally. If I am asked to take clothes off (the clothesline, which is implied), I start stripping, or at least retaliating because it seems kind of inappropriate, don’t you think? If you ask me to take care of the mess, I shall talk to the mess and ask it what it wants and if it is comfortable.
You know how people, when crossing a road, hold up their palm at you, who is driving a vehicle, like asking you to stop? I wave back at them.