I call mami, for yoga advice on postures, corrections, and affirmations. One time, I was dismayed at having made no progress on the split or the wheel. To that, she pointed out some improvements her yoga trainer brain could see in me: the lift, hip alignment, weight distribution and such stuff that don’t necessarily make postures worth flexing; and then off-highhandedly added that “all progress is not visible, you must listen to your body”
It goes against everything I know. To me, listening to my body is listening to my anxieties. Imagine if a person with anxiety started listening to her gut. I would never give another exam, sit in a cab or write.
But strictly for yoga, it helped me be kinder. I stopped comparing what I was doing to what I hoped to look like doing it. I concentrated on doing the asanas that made my body feel nice the next day. It took arguing with self, because it went against the ‘push, push till you get what you came for’ motto we are raised with.
And one day, out of nowhere, okay maybe out of some-valid-where, my mindbody got sick. I couldn’t muster the energy to water the plants, buy snacks or read a book. and I, proudly, kept pushing; from sleepless nights with compulsive binging, scratching I showed up for work bloody skinned, without brushing, saying somber greetings, filling excel sheets, even if late, even if lousily.
My colleagues reminded me: Listen to your body, like one day I had preached to them. I took a break, asked for help and used whatever energy I saved in rebelling against my bodily system that asked me to push, that told me I was weak, I was letting the disorder win, that this is how my whole life was going to be if I let go. I argue back, talking sense into my body-mind; in analogies about not comparing the experience of building a boat with sailing it. That building is tougher but necessary and sailing is possible.
I started work on understanding my gut and body, noting the timber of their voice and it’s differences from the voice of the illness; so one day I will be able to tell them apart, untangle them, and choose to listen to my body, for it’s smart and deserves to be heard.
