I feel physically incapable of carrying the expectations I have of myself. I would love to blame my parents, relatives, over-achieving cousins, media, and society but I am the one who internalized them.

If living under the shadow of the looming expectations was not harrowing enough, these expectations fight each other for dominance bi-annually on what I assume they call ‘Friendly matches to get the teams to gel’ day. Mummy & Nani worry about my biological clock, my friends see me as someone who will defy social norms compulsively to not marry ever. I expect myself to roam the world, & be physically close to my family, all while getting a master’s degree in a subject of my liking, that will also make money.

While I wait for the outcome of these matches to decide my itinerary, I watch tv shows, recently Bojack Horseman, that wash off the self-righteous notion that I shall “figure it out”. I spent the last week feeling overwhelmed & existentially anxious by turn. I go from ‘there is nothing I can do to scavenge good out of this shit life’ to ‘if I want to get a master’s degree & shift back to India after x years & want to do that other thing in y years, I should start yesterday’ in an afternoon nap. It doesn’t help to see 23-year-old bloggers give TED talks or people get master’s degrees in museum study or psychometrics. How do they know such specific passions? I can’t pick if I want to take an image & video post-processions or drawing & painting or a storytelling course this year.

I know I should not compare my journey to others, but here I am 1200 rupees poorer for therapy & still comparing. This feels like the time I had to join a new school in 1st grade & my first day was 2 months into my classmates’ term & I did not have the uniform, so I wore the old school uniform & stuck out like a sore thumb. Girls & boys sat separately & the girls did not seem welcoming. Also, I had extra food in my lunch box that I was bullied into eating.
Then again, I got to come home & grow up into me, & discover that some adults are not as mean as children & that hugs, cheesecakes, video-calls & funny tv shows make everything better & that when asked for nicely you shall be given most of it.

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