I know everyday you struggle with being understood. It makes you want to keep talking about what you feel and how you feel it. You want to tell people that your insides don’t match your outsides. And the more you talk, the more lonely you feel. Because even in your head you are not talking to yourself. It just makes you realise how little people you trust to understand, how tiring a process it is in your head to make people understand. You have been trying so hard to be liked by people that you have forgotten to sit down, understand yourself and like yourself.
Why is it that you appreciating yourself is not enough?
You are always torn between having someone who appreciates you, adores you, admires you and knowing that looking for it outside of yourself is only going to lead to disappointment and ruin what could have been a good relationship otherwise.
Years of therapy has taught you to look back on how far you have come when you start to feel shitty about yourself. It has asked you to lower your expectations of yourself. Reflect on how much you are doing. It doesn’t come naturally. It is still work. And oh, it is so tiring.
There is a fine line between constructive criticism and being hard on yourself. I hope you find it. I hope you stop envying people who have lived a life you wanted to live. I hope you stop putting them on a pedestal and stop trying to make yourself worthy of their love to prove a point. I hope you stop feeling sorry for yourself. I hope for a lot of things for you. I hope that will be enough for you, some day.
