When one spends long uninterrupted lengths of time with the same people in a tiny space, all the good in them starts losing color & shine. Then it becomes a black & white background detail. What stays in the foreground are their irritating habits, the word they use ceaselessly, the drag of their feet while walking, and the sound of their eating. Bickering comes easy, humor & energy hard. In times when Mumma & I fight over a spoon or when I feel disconnected from R sitting across the room, some moments brought a sense of connection.
- I started doing Pranayam with Mami 2 weeks ago. Now it does not make sense that I was so scared of the idea, or putting faith in it that I cried when it was suggested by my therapist. I cried again before my first lesson. It took me months, a pandemic & a long break from work to give it a shot. I only felt safe starting it because Mami would be teaching. The doing in this case too was easier than the anticipation. We did the exercises on a video call every day. She would guide me, lesser every day, till one day we just sat & breathed together. Sometimes, after the exercise, we would meditate or talk about our experience or discuss something funny that happened. It made my world feel wider.
- Dodo sent me perfume & his favorite biscuits for July’s birthday this year. I love that he has kept this July birthday tradition alive. It gives me no birthday anxiety and a gift! The morning I wore the perfume, I felt like if reached across the sofa I could put my head on his shoulder. The possibility that he be wearing the same smell and eating the same biscuits, shifted NYC closer to home.
- Dadi and I translated a Marwadi folk song from my playlist while making Gulab Jamun. I would speak out the line, she would translate the tougher words written in the Marwadi Bado Marwad, ‘Juni (old)’ Marwadi to us, the pitgen Maharashtra Marwadi we speak. I hugged her & let go of the irritation I had felt towards her all week.
- My friends and I, in Canada, Bhopal & Amravati, listened to a voice recording I was too anxious to hear alone. We made fun of it, which helped me relax. It revived feelings at least 7 years old from when we helped each other practice dates to reduce anticipation anxiety.
- Mama sent me a picture from his trek that he clicked for me. He also sends me Tweets, and posts he thinks I would like. I felt embarrassed about how much this small act moved me. It was when I accepted the sense of loneliness I carry inside me that it made sense. I grew in me when I was little-unable to articulate what was happening to me, unable to feel connected with the reality of people my age- making me invisible because life & adults always had a more important crisis to focus on. While growing up gave me enough insights, words & experience to chafe its hard borders, it still peaks out when I am bestowed with kindness or acknowledgment. Little things like photos, and posts that people send me because “it seems like something you would like” make me think that someone knows me and my likes. It still sounds small, but this acknowledgment of visibility and care is all that little P wanted.
- I have a dream that one day I will wake up to hot coffee without having to ask for it. It’s an ‘asking for the moon’ version of what I said earlier. I believe that it would make me feel ‘thought of’ and cared for. So one night I made coffee & stuck it in the fridge for the morning P to wake up to. My morning-self felt thought of & cared for 🙂