There are many tiny revolutions in life. You have to put a fight for a home, a living, struggle to find love, fight to be in love, and be determined to stay out of it. Talking to a parent, answering a call, letting a plan go for work is a battle. And it feels weak to call it that. To not be it, I have been underplaying ache, overworking my body and mind, stretching myself thin with effort.
I had noticed a few years ago that I do not allow myself ache. I would never admit to period cramps; if I should skip work for reasons a man doesn’t, wouldn’t I be a disappointment to women? So I would just pop a painkiller. I have even learned to ride over the grogginess. I still do not know how to control the loose motions, the backache, the occasional fever, and the deep sadness of the hormones. So I spend hours in the bathroom but make sure to carry my laptop to keep my schedule.
Just like when I walk out of a therapy session, finish my crying on a park bench, get on my bike and ride away to a distraction while my mind feels like mashed brinjals. I remember stopping my bike, on the side of a road, on my way to meet aunty, for I could not see through the tears. I remember collapsing in the washroom of a pizza place another time when pizza just wasn’t distracting enough. Still, I never took a cab home and lay in bed weeping. I never ordered myself pizza and doughnuts. Never asked anyone to come to hug me if they had time.
But I hear period leave is a thing now. I saw a friend propped in her bed with a hot water bag on her tummy watching a psycho-killer smash people’s heads. It helps her mood swings, she says. Her roommate got a chocolate cake for her. I was in awe of this little girl who had worked on self-care long enough to have figured what works, that she had someone to care for her she did not have to ask for care from. And that’s when I realized that you have to start taking care of yourself before people can realize to help you. It’s not easy. But there are many tiny revolutions in one’s life. And we must reach out hard in the direction of the life we want.