4 weeks ago, I thought I did not like my job, I realized I don’t like writing or doing yoga. I even quit the drawing class I bought.

Medicinal dosage changed.

3 weeks ago, I began to get so much joy out of work that I did more work in week than I had in 5 months, I even wrote for work, a task I have never been able to do. I learnt enough drawing to make human figures and enough to not care how they look. I cooked regularly. Got on video calls with friends and asked after their pets.

Last week, something triggered my PTSD. I was watching tv with my relatives, and started tearing up, my heart thumped and hands shivered. I did what I could to hide myself but was seen. This time I was attacked with “you decide to be sad”, “we’ve seen worse, you are just weak”, “how long is it going to take for you to get better?”

The details of how I lived my PTSD symptoms inside a blanket, muffling shivers and cries in a pillow are morbid and honestly hard to remember because they felt like a different realm. I am still living the repercussions and I have an insight.

Everything is a factor of energy.

My body is back to fight/flight. I haven’t been able to sleep or eat in a week, climbing a flight of stairs feels like when I climbed vaishnodevi as a child. I wish we could do it as a group, yelling slogans and encouragements. Work was dropped like a sack of rock. Just lying down isn’t good either; my body is using all its energy into pumping my heart, typing a message is exercise, added to it is the energy put into seeming fine and saying words. Existing takes energy.

You don’t know this but most common knowledge advice does not apply to mental health ailments and mental health advice is not common knowledge; so I get asked to meditate and exercise but my doctor says my body won’t be able to take it rightnow. Not drinking whiskey to put myself to sleep because it is harmful in the mental health long run is a common sense; but it takes my mind energy to not go to things that easy the current pain. Common sense is a factor of energy.

What I pinned as interest, motivation was a lack of my brain ability to function. And I am not saying interest is all energy, I am saying a big part of pursuing interest is energy. It is like running the AC when the battery of your car is low. Like that, kindness is a factor of energy. Being social is energy. A corollary of this, self worth and esteem too are a factor of energy. It takes energy to seem happy and jovial and don’t pretend that you don’t like the happy-jovial kind of people more than the dull ones. Maybe dull isn’t the right word, but finding the right word in this lingual politics is a struggle and it affects the person being labeled dull, asocial, sad, broken.

She is just tired.

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